A man and his wife are awakened at 3 AM by a loud pounding on the front door. The man struggles out of bed and goes to the door, opens it, and finds an obviously drunken stranger standing in a pouring rain.
Almost snarling because of the inconvenience, the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, what do you want?!"
"Would you give me a push?" the drunk slurs.
"Are you crazy? Not a chance," the husband answers. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" and slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asked the wife, not helping the situation in the least.
"Some drunk asking for a push," he mumbles.
"Did you help him?" the wife asks.
Now teetering on the edge of exploding, the guy says, "NO! I didn't help him......it's three in the morning and raining like hell outside."
"Well, you've got a very short memory," says his wife.
"Don't you remember when we were on the way to a party and those two guys helped us? I think you should help this poor man."
Now wide awake and knowing he'll he unable to go back to sleep, the husband mumbles under his breath, gets dressed, and stands on the front porch in the driving rain. "Hey, are you still out there?"
"Yeah," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" asks the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Unable to see anything or anyone in the dark, the husband says, "Where are you?"
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They are used to communicate a pithy, timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.
When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping centre and they complemented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mum sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."